Part 33: Interview 17 - “A Creative Strategy” (Or, “What The Fuck Is Wrong With You, Lash?”)

Interview 17 - “A Creative Strategy” (Or, “What The Fuck Is Wrong With You, Lash?”)

Hi there, Ms. Police Lady of the Universe.

...My name is Ruin, as you well know.

You're a police lady, though, that's undeniable.



Sigh. Yes, I am. If you must know, officially I am a Detective Inspector of the Constancy Division.

Ooh, fancy. Anyway, what are we up to today?



Colin has an... interesting map coming up.

Oh, that's weird. What’s the black bar about?

I don’t know. Just a visual error - ignore it.

Grit and I are returning to HQ to plan our continued strategy.

Yes, sir! Understood, sir! I’ll guard these properties for the next 14 days.

Mm. No need to worry. According to our intel division, there’s no chance of the enemy striking here. You’re one-hundred percent safe.

Olaf really is tempting fate here.

But our intel division ain’t the most reliable bunch of fellas.

I bet it’s Mark. Fuck that guy.

Do your best, son. We’ll be back to ya in 14 days.

I won’t let you down, sir! I’m a Blue Moon CO after all!

Arguably the best Blue Moon CO, really.

The power of money is an excellent power.

BM Soldier: Commander Colin!

Yes?

BM Soldier: It’s an attack! The Black Hole Army’s here!

What? Just like that? Stay calm. Stay calm. Must not panic. I…must…be…strong! OK! Tighten the defenses!



Exciting. So where’s the unit deployment list, anyway?

…About that...



Looks deserted! Guess I’ll just capture everything.

Not so fast. These properties…are under…my protection.

Aw, he’s cute when he’s trying to be brave.

Just you? Talk about easy.

Uh… Reinforcements are on their way!

Yeah, like in 14 days, right? I’ll capture everything by then. C’mon, troops! Fire at will!

Keep strong, everyone! We just have to protect the HQ for 14 days!



So, uh... as I was saying earlier... there's no unit deployment list.

What do you mean there's no unit deployment list.



Colin went for a very risky strategy here. That strategy being "don't deploy anything and Lash will lose anyway".

What.

This is an enormously stupid battle. Just you wait, my dude.



As you can see, Lash has a financial and material advantage - more bases, more units, more money. This is not a map that was ever intended to be fair.

I see. And he's got to defend the HQ for 14 days, is that right?

Correct. It actually doesn't matter how many properties he loses. So long as the HQ is safe, he'll hold out.





Get used to seeing this. Well, for convenience, I'll skip past these in future.

I am still really confused on what he intends to do here.



Lash's infantry seem more concerned with capturing the properties, instead of charging his HQ. Her mistake.



And slowly, her forces begin to build.



I'm pretty sure that even with all the properties keeping the infantry busy, they'll get to the HQ before 14 days pass.



The infantry being distracted with properties is only part 1 of Colin's gambit. You'll see.



We have plenty of time, anyway. Would you like to discuss something else whilst we wait for this?

Uh, sure? Depends what you had in mind. I suppose I do want to know more about you.



Me? I suppose. What do you want to know?

What are those cards about? Every time you come here, you have that deck of cards in your hands. Are you just a huge fan of poker, or are they useful in another way?



These cards are very special. Each suit holds a different power - the hearts allow me to teleport into different universes. The diamonds serve as an 'inventory' of sorts. I can store objects in the cards, and if I flick the card like this...

That card just turned into a fuckin' gun! That's so cool!



It's a very efficient way of keeping my personal possessions on me.

No kidding. They are some pretty interesting cards, I see that now.



Wait, where are the clubs and spades?

My sister, Misery, has them. We split the deck between us.



Your games of solitaire must be shit.

Heh. Yes, I suppose so.



I keep my weapons in the cards at all times. My sister has one of the pistols... just to keep her safe. I have everything else.

How many weapons do you own?

Well, I have a taser... but being in the Omniversal Police requires strength. Some of the people we arrest are quite literally omnipotent gods. As such, I own several weapons of legend.



Aw, c'mon, you can't just say that and then not tell me what they are.

The deck of cards initially came with two pistols and two swords. The pistols are black and white, respectively - my sister owns Hati, the white gun, and I own Sköll, the black gun. As for the swords, I have both of those. In the King and Queen of Diamonds, we have...



Lux Aestiva and Lux Brumalis. They're quite beautiful blades. One is imbued with the very force of winter itself, and the other, the might of the summer sun.

You know, I'd have given you less backtalk if I'd known you had like seven different ways of murdering me on hand at all times.



I’ve got to stay strong! I will hold out for 14 days!

...Meanwhile, nothing is really happening.

I am going to shit my own fuck if this actually works.



What on earth does that even mean, Commander?

I don't know.



Anyway, here's part 2 of the plan. This anti-air has arrived at the Blue Moon HQ.

Oh. NO. NO FUCKING WAY.



Let me guess. Now that the anti-air has reached the HQ, it's not gonna budge from that position. So even when Lash's infantry get there, they are going to be able to capture the HQ. She's basically defending the Blue Moon HQ for us!

Nail on the head, my dude.



What the fuck, Lash. You're supposed to be a genius.



A powerful group of forces converge. Unfortunately, their failure is already certain.



Honestly, I'm kind of impressed that Colin figured this out. He must've known that the best defense was simply not to fight at all.

Either that or he's as stupid as Lash. Anything's possible.



I mean, looking at all the stuff Lash is producing - including god damn Neotanks - I can kind of see why he wouldn't want to even attempt trying to fight her off. They'd have won, I'm sure, but everyone would have been slaughtered.



I told you this battle was interesting. It's very one-sided, ha ha.



Did you just make a joke, Ruin?

I'm allowed to be funny, my dude.

I mean, yes, you are, but I just didn't expect it.



My sister used to tell me that I had absolutely no sense of humour. Perhaps hanging out with you has taught me something about comedy.

I'm afraid that's not possible. Nell used to tell me that I had absolutely no sense of humour.



That's a mystery for another day, then. Anyway, as you can see, Lash's troops have absolutely no idea what to do.

This... this really should not have worked. What the fuck is happening here?



Just two days left. Not a single deployment.

I mean, sure, nobody's been killed, but Colin is going to get an atrocious rank for this, I can tell.



The infantry are still bravely capturing non-HQ things, though, as pointless as that is.



...Welp, Colin's won. The infantry need 2 days to capture the HQ and none of them have managed it. That anti-air must be some kind of Blue Moon sympathiser.



It's possible. I stopped paying attention to this battle by this point, but I do remember it being rather silly.

"Rather silly" is really underselling what's happening here. "Rather silly" is what Andy did during his rival fight with Eagle at the end of the last campaign. This is on another level altogether.

Oddly satisfying, though, wouldn't you agree?



Grit!

Tsk! Time’s up. All I’ll gain now are more casualties. Guess it’s time to disappear! Toodles!

Nice work, son. Holding out against a superior force that, I mean.

Did you mean “a superior force like that”, Grit? Missing a word there.

Commander Grit? Does this mean I’m worthy of being a commanding officer now?

As much as I’m loath to admit it, manipulating the AI like that is actually rather impressive.

Lash is a fucking idiot, basically, that’s what we’ve learned today.

What’re you talkin’ about? You are a grade-A certified top-of-the-line CO, son! And you can take that to the bank!

Yes, sir!



That was the dumbest map I've ever seen. What the hell.



Next time, it won't be nearly as simple. We'll be observing Blue Moon's final battle against Black Hole.

Yeah... that'll be tough, I'm guessing.



The audience can tell you which of the three Blue Moon COs and which of the three Orange Star COs we'll be seeing in this battle.

Oh, delightful. A choice between Military Santa, his wife and the baby, as well as a choice between Ash, Brock and Misty? This is gonna be interesting. Go on, audience, who went on that fateful battle several months ago?

We shall see. For now, apologies for the short interview. We'll be back as soon as we can.

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Part 17 Additional